He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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