there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
