Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
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Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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