Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
