I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
