I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
