if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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