If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Randomize
