I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
