Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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