either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
