I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
