I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize