you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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