just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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