Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
