sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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