the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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