I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
