i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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