plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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