he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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