he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
