I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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