I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
