Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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