I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
