oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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