remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
