I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
