uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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