I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
NoShamevember. You game?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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