i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
