I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
