Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
