let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!