Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.