Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.