Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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