I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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