So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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