I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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