Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You don't make any sense
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