you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is the high leading the old right now
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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