Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
