Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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