Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
