Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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