you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
