hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
