im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
