Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
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