Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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