There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
