'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
