Taylor Swift is so right about you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
