At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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