I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
