You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
