I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
